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Weird Housing Tales, Part 1

Once in a while, I come across some really weird stories about Americans’ infatuation with everything housing-related. Try this one on for size. “Jane Zinfandel,” as I’ll call the protagonist of the story, was in the process of having her home’s exterior re-painted. Apparently, Mrs. Zinfandel wanted her door’s appearance to be different from any of her neighbors, so she had it painted a unique color. However, one day Lady Jane was driving home when she happened to notice something different about her neighbor’s place. Apparently, “Mary Merlot” was doing a bit of painting herself, and painted HER door the exact same color as Jane’s. Mrs. Zinfandel got out of her car, went up to the door, verified that it was indeed the same color, and raced home. Steaming, she summoned the painter. Sure enough, he admitted that Mrs. Merlot had popped on by earlier and told the painter how much she loved the color, at which point he gave her the info she would need to mix up a batch for herself.

Purple Pain

Janey went back down the block to her neighbor’s, knocked on the door, and accused Mary of stealing the color of her door. Mrs. Merlot, who was not one to back down from a fight, decided to have it out with Mrs. Zinfandel right then and there. Jane, still upset, left Mary’s house and returned to her own residence. Later that night Mary’s husband paid a visit. “Joe Merlot” was really nice, thought Jane Zinfandel, and he apologized profusely for his wife’s actions.

The next day, Jane told her next door neighbor, “Fanny Franzia,” about the previous night’s episode. While she complained about what the battle-axe down the street had done, she made it a point to mention that the husband was a really sweet guy. “Oh,” said Fanny, who knew everyone’s business in the neighborhood. “The reason he tried to make peace with you is that he’s a registered sex offender who didn’t want any more trouble with the law…”